The combined age of the men in this picture is somewhere around 2000, but each of them will stomp a mudhole in your ass and you’ll pay them to do it.
I’m a big fucking hypocrite.
As much as I frown on guns and shit going boom in real life, I can’t get nearly enough of it at the movies. As a fan of film, I’m absolutely willing to give up things like story and plot in exchange for corny one-liners and lots of people walking away from cool explosions.
It’s for that reason that I’m still to this day, still a huge freak about action movies featuring actors who can barely act. When I was a kid, I had dreams about seeing my favorite action stars like Stallone, Schwarzenegger and other all in a “Destroy All Monsters”-style Super Bowl of Mayhem.
Now that said stars are old and grasping for the last strands of stardom, we’re finally getting the movies we only talked about during 3AM dorm room discussions where everyone is stoned, and the movies imagined would cost $10 billion and probably kill 90 stuntmen…a day. (Now that I think about it, that would still be an amazing fucking movie, but I digress)
The third in Stallone’s Expendables series, Expendables 3 looks to feature it’s biggest cast yet, bringing back the regulars like Jason Statham, MMA star Randy Couture, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Terry Crews, while adding more Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes (prison didn’t wear away on him at all), Antonio Banderas…and Harrison Ford.
Yes, Harrison Ford.
Look, it doesn’t matter that the film will have no story worth remembering. This is, for the third time, our chance to see our favorite aged action figures on gigantic playsets destroying everything. If that doesn’t light your fire, chances are the pilot light is out.
They should serve free whiskey and cigars with each ticket. Also tissues to wipe up all the loads that will be blown from all the hot fucking action that will likely unfold on screen until we simply can’t take anymore.
Expendables 3 opens in the U.S. on August 15th. Take my fucking money, and take it now.