Introducing the Power Glove of Self-Love: Masturbation Goes State of the Art

Ever wonder what it'd be like to get a handy from Iron Man? Well wonder no longer.

Ever wonder what it’d be like to get a handjob from Iron Man? Well wonder no longer.

by Shimbo

Are your normal jerk-off sessions getting stale? Is your Fleshlight losing it’s allure?

Well thanks to the latest in masturbation technology, you can spice up your lonely love life and drive yourself into a deeper depression all within the same stroke.

Known as The Handie, at first glance the red silicone glove looks like something Tony Stark would cobble together in his workshop on a really lonely night. Upon further inspection, The Handie was created to be the ultimate in personal pleasure. At least that’s what it’s creators, Rockit Utilities, want you to believe:

The Handie Is the ultimate men’s pleasure product, which utilizes your grip and gives you back control of your pleasure through state-of-the-art design and materials. The Handie’s glove design and added features are unlike any other product for men. This is the real deal – an all-in-one gadget for guys! We like to call it, our Finishing Tool.
The Handie has a chamber located on the back of the glove, which can be filled with any water-based lubricant (Use Water Based Lube Only). Just fill with your favorite water based lube, replace, and push on the cap to dispense lubrication into the palm of The Handie for comfort and pleasure.

The Handie comes with a small, removable, vibrating bullet. The vibrator inserts into the pocket located on the pinky finger for a gentle vibration in the perfect sweet spot.

Sound amazing? Well, you poor, terminally-single bastard, now’s your chance to get in on the ground floor as the inventors of the Power Glove of Dick Slinging just started an IndieGoGo campaign to get The Handie up and running. For the modest cost of $150 and a good piece of your dignity, you can be the first to get your hands on the ultimate in “textured penetration simulation”; if that’s too rich for your blood, $50 gives you first crack at the next round of self-love gloves. They even produced a video to help you get a better grasp of the project (pun absolutely intended).

The Handie is one of those tools you buy into when you plan to spend the rest of your life alone. Even if you have “kind of” a girlfriend, if she were ever to catch you swagging your meat with this oven mitt, she’d probably call her dad or her brother to come over and beat you, and then send you text messages with pictures of her much-more secure new boyfriend who doesn’t resort to masturbation accessories.

Beating off shouldn’t be something you put a lot of time and effort into. The result is the same. If you have to spend more than two minutes on a quick pull and tug, then maybe you should start investing in prostitutes. But only the ones who don’t cough or have more than one scab.

Since there will never be a shortage of men doomed to a life without the comforting touch of a woman, tools like The Handie will probably make a metric shit-ton of cash. Who knows, maybe there’ll be Handie conventions where people come from miles around to share their experiences with their dong mitt. Just look for the group of balding men with stooped shoulders, thick rimmed eye glasses and Hawaiian shirts who have a resigned look of disappointment and desperation along with way too much disposable cash.

Hashim R. Hathaway (Uncle Shimbo) is the host of the Never Daunted Radio Network, and proud father to NeverDaunted.Net. You can reach him on Twitter @NeverDauntedNet

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