As celebrations ring out over the firing of Jacksonville Jaguars Head Coach Urban Meyer 13 weeks into the season, we ponder the value of assholes in society
Friends, Internet, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Urban Meyer, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Urban.
Urban Meyer got whacked just after midnight on Thursday. Some sentence, huh? Sounds like a scene from The Sopranos, or whatever mob movie you prefer. In reality, after 13 weeks and a 2-11 record, Jaguars owner Shad Khan, only days after being quoted as saying he would not make any hasty decisions on the future of his head coach went ahead and fired him after months of bad hires, questionable decisions and locker room discord.
In the end, the fatal bullet came from former Jaguars kicker Josh Lambo, who told the Tampa Bay Times that Meyer kicked him in the leg during warmups, telling him “Hey dipshit, make your fucking kicks!”
Once that article went viral, that was all she wrote. While many thought Meyer should’ve been fired back in October when he chose not to fly home with his team after a loss, Meyer found a guardian angel of sorts in the form of Jon Gruden, who saw his own career come to an end thanks to some leaked emails outing him as a racist, misogynist and homophobe, among other things. With the heat lamp of scrutiny firmly on Gruden, the public seemed to forget what a piece of shit Meyer was being at the time, and in obscurity comes safety.
While Meyer was clearly a toxic asshole whose every move as Jacksonville’s head coach was generally worse than the one before, the most glaring sin, the one that can never really be avoided is losing.
This time, there’s no Jon Gruden to take a bullet for Meyer, and so the end has rightfully come.
But before we completely waltz over the corpse of Meyer’s career in the NFL, let’s be clear about some things. While Urban Meyer is, without question, a massive asshole, if you think kicking a placekicker and calling him a dipshit was the thing that got him fired, you are in denial about one incontrovertible fact:
The world loves an asshole…so long as they win.
While Meyer was clearly a toxic asshole whose every move as Jacksonville’s head coach was generally worse than the one before, the most glaring sin, the one that can never really be avoided is losing. Khan had a hard on to hire Meyer for years, and when he got his golden goose, the idea was that Meyer would win, because up to then, that’s all he’s done.
Boasting a dominant NCAA record of 187-32 with three national championships, three Big Ten championships, two SEC championships, two Mountain West Conference championships and multiple Coach of the Year honors, there is no question that Meyer is and has been a winner. He’s also been a raging asshole who oversaw programs at Ohio State and Florida that gave birth to as many criminals as NFL prospects.
While Meyer served as head coach at Florida, 31 of his players were arrested between 2005 and 2010. According to the New York Times, charges included “aggravated stalking, domestic violence by strangulation, (and) aggravated assault.” The most memorable or rather infamous player during that time was one Aaron Hernandez, who would go on to commit multiple homicides while playing in the NFL.
While playing for the Gators, Hernandez was questioned in at least two violent crimes, never once disciplined by Meyer, because he needed him more on the football field than off it. Now while it’s unfair to tie Aaron Hernandez’s legacy to Meyer, its also important to note because all the toxicity surrounding Urban Meyer fell on deaf ears while he was winning, that same toxicity simply doesn’t fly when your team is a paltry 2-11 with a starting quarterback in Trevor Lawrence, drafted as a savior only to look like a slug under Meyer’s tutelage.
Prior to his hiring by the Jaguars in January, there was no team, college or professional, who wouldn’t cut out a left nut to let Meyer run their team. He may have been an asshole, but he was a winning one, and that counts far more than courtesy in the realm of smash mouth sports.
Let’s be honest here: there’s a good chance that everything we hated about Urban Meyer is just about exactly what you need to field a winner. Success and victory have never been heralded by hurt feelings; social media is full of people with hurt feelings who want some warped sense of justice whenever they see assholes prosper.
If Meyer was 11-2 today, he would still have a job, period, without question. Shad Khan would be curling his bushy mustache with glee, because his gamble worked. Hurt feelings wouldn’t matter, an ego-bruised place kicker would just be a dipshit and no one would care. The world is run by heartless, aloof assholes who bring results, and it doesn’t matter if it’s sports, politics or your boss. If an asshole gets results, he will get the reward.
And it’s because of this very fact that while his NFL career is dead, there will be a college calling Meyer to lead them back to glory. Will he answer that call? Probably, just like he should’ve taken the reported mega-deal the University of Texas wanted to offer Meyer before taking the NFL job. For Meyer, it’s only food for thought and a matter of time before the phone rings again, and Meyer takes his asshole act to some desperate school who will ignore everything just for a shot at winning it all.
Until then, let’s crank up the Victrola and waltz on the dance floor that is Urban Meyer’s NFL career. Shit happens to all of us, but it’s never sweeter than when it happens to an asshole who earns it.
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Hashim R. Hathaway (Shimbo) is the host of the Never Daunted Radio Network, and deadbeat father to NeverDaunted.Net. You can’t reach him on Twitter anymore, so maybe Parler? (Dear God, no.)