Do you really want to know what’s inside that free cupcake?
I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I’m genuinely afraid of what might be in the food that I order. Fast food and greasy spoon restaurants have a horrible reputation for what goes on in the kitchen…you know, the things you don’t see, and hope to Christ you don’t taste.
When I was in high school, I used to work at a burger joint in a mall food court. People loved eating our gigantic burgers, which were honestly huge, but what they didn’t know is that I used to bang one of my co-workers in the cold storage locker…right next to the meat patties.
Or even my first job, when I worked at a movie theater, I was pissed off that I had to come into work at 8am on a Sunday morning to pop popcorn that as I sat in the upper deck of the theater in the popcorn room sweating my ass off and slowly dying of smoke inhalation, because I had no idea the vent needed to be opened, or where the hell the vent even was , I thought it would be cute to spray Windex in the popcorn kettle. Imagine the look on my manager’s face when people started taking the popcorn back asking for more (contaminated) popcorn because it tasted “weird”.
I’m much better now.
But despite knowing the perils of what could be in food you actually pay for, I’ve always found it interesting that people are so readily willing to eat whatever is brought into an office for a potluck, or other event where the only thing that really matters is that you are getting free food. And that’s the thing, isn’t it? Some people would line up to eat a meatloaf made out of dogshit so long as it didn’t cost them anything, because people, despite their better intentions, are pretty fucked up human beings.
In California, a girl in the 10th grade allegedly gave cupcakes to her bullies, which she later claimed had “bodily fluids” in them once the kids who ate the free food started getting sick. Now the school later claimed (probably in order to avoid MASSIVE lawsuits) that the ingredients weren’t actually “pubic hair, semen and expired food and pills,” but rather a mixture of mayo, BBQ and soy sauces.
Of course, you can’t really test for semen after the food’s been eaten, right? And who’s going to go through the expense of pumping these poor kids’ stomachs looking for splooge? Needless to say, officials at the school have pretty much banned any outside food from being given away, especially from students.
So what are the lessons we can take from this?
1) Shimbo should’ve been led away from his first job in handcuffs.
2) NEVER eat free food from people you torture on a daily basis.
3) Only eat what you cook, and only cook when you’re sober (bonus lesson).