As if we don’t already have enough to measure up to, here comes the SexFit
by Shimbo
These days, it seems like we have to track everything. Whether it’s Nike Fuel, Jawbones, FitBits or whatever other type of piece of plastic whose primary objective is to show you how much you suck at exercise.
Now the fitness craze has gone in a whole new (and slightly warped) direction with the introduction of the SexFit.
“What is the SexFit,” you ask?
Simply put, the SexFit is a cock ring that not only does what cock rings are supposed to do (and honestly, have you ever known anyone who ever used one?), but also tracks your performance in bed. According to the press release,
“Worn at the base of the penis and connected to a free mobile app via Bluetooth, this hi-tech cock ring not only stimulates a harder erection with the tight band but tracks your performance during sex using internal technology similar to a pedometer. Powerful stimulating vibrations will tantalize both partners during use much in the same way as a conventional cock ring, but also allow for a revolutionary ‘pacing mode’ that vibrates in time to a pre-set rhythm. Match the rhythm with your thrusts for the most effective stimulation. Notification lights on the top of the ring will also show what mode the SexFit is in, and illuminate in the center when the rhythm is steady.”
Wait, so I’m expected to have a Bluetooth signal going to my package? How exactly is that even a little safe?
Now people who actually use this thing can upload their ‘workout’ to the app and track their performance with the accompanying SexFit app (yes, there IS an app for that). If you like, you can track a number of different metrics such as calories burnt and thrusts per minute. And because we share most of our lives on social media, there’s also a way to upload your results to your favorite social media outlets. In other words, you can now Facebook Your Fucking and Tweet Your Twatting (or whatever, I don’t know).
According to Louise Bagley, Sex Toys Buyer for Bondara, “Historically, sex toys have always evolved with technology. Our device is a natural next step alongside the influx of personal health trackers and with the added benefit of improving an individual’s sex life, we expect it to be a huge hit when it becomes available.”
Bagley also believes that the market has been waiting for such an appliance (um, who, exactly?) because it’s on the cutting edge of innovation. I suppose she believes that just because you can make something, somehow you should unleash it out on the masses, hoping someone will actually buy this thing with a straight face.
Personally, I don’t know if I want the next level of competition in life to be sex metrics, because god knows everything is already akin to a giant dick measuring competition, all we need is to be able to go at one another by showing who can fuck the fastest, amirite? More importantly, who wants to to deal with a partner who compares your stats to her ex- (or current) boyfriend? Cue inferiority complex, stage right.
If, for some ridiculous reason, you’re interested in getting one of your own, you’ll have to wait awhile. Prototypes for the SexFit are in development and Bondara hopes to start product testing before the end of 2014.
Hashim R. Hathaway (Uncle Shimbo) is the host of the Never Daunted Radio Network, and proud father to NeverDaunted.Net. You can reach him on Twitter @NeverDauntedNet